Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Why Did Disney Make A Princess Movie I Can't Take My Disney Princess-Obsessed 4-Year Old To?

Like any parent of a 4-year old girl, I was very excited to learn about Disney's new movie, Enchanted. It was a Princess movie! A silly, spoofy, Princess movie! My 4-year old would eat this up with a healthy serving of bliss.

We don't watch much TV, so we managed to avoid the commercials, but I don't think there's a bus stop within fifteen miles of our house without that witch and her apple staring at us. Naturally, Daughter noticed the posters, recognized the apple, and put two and two together even before I did.

"Daddy! It's the Evil Queen!"

"What? Where?"

"Right there! The Evil Queen from Snow White! Look, she has the apple!"

"Oh. Huh. You're right."

"Does that say Disney?"

"What do mean... you can't read."

"That says Disney! It says Disney!"

She can't read, but she can recognize a corporate logo when she's seen it in front of Snow White and Cinderella and Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid often enough until it's been carved onto the underside of her skull. So thanks to the fact that we have to drive her to pre-school every day, she was now aware that something Snow White/Poisoned Apple/Disney-ish was afoot.

I checked out what I could, which at the time wasn't much more than a teaser trailer online. It was a movie. A movie all about a Disney Princess.

That's all Daughter needed to hear.

Suddenly, she couldn't wait to see the new Disney Princess Movie. It was manna from Heaven, as far as she was concerned.

Me? I was stoked, too. I love movies. Love, love, love them. And taking my kids to the movies, to movies they WANT to see, is one of the true joys in life to which I've been looking forward for years. Finally, the time had come. Daughter wanted to see Enchanted.

Rock on.

Then the reviews came out.

Some loved it, some didn't. But all said that it was, well, more for adults than children. Perhaps the Tweens would like it, but the really little ones, who aren’t ready to see the Disney Princess Line openly mocked, should shy away.

Shy away? How am I supposed to tell my 4-year old that she needs to shy away from a Disney Princess Movie? Has the world gone completely mental?

She took the news fine, to be honest, and I quickly transitioned her into another viewing of Beauty and the Beast before she had time to think about it. But that doesn't mean I'm not miffed.

Disney, you heartless schmucks, how could you? You sell your Disney Princess line to 3, 4, and 5-year olds (there are costumes specifically their size) with capitalistic glee. You know they're hooked, you know they're ready to feed from your trough. You grab the Thanksgiving weekend slot, shove a multi-zillion dollar ad campaign down everyone's throat, create a trailer that mentions all those lovable G-Rated Disney movies from days of yore, then release something rated PG that's not fit your audience?

Were you feeling especially evil that day? I mean I'm well aware of the stench of cruelty that emanates from your offices in Burbank, but that's one meeting that must have curdled the blood of every Wicked Stepmother within the city limits.

"In 2008, we're going to release a new Disney Princess movie over Thanksgiving weekend."

"Fantastic. Families will eat it up. The Disney tradition continues."

"Yes. Except, no. It's a spoof of the Disney Princess movies."

"Well, OK. Spoofs can be funny. Still cute, right? Still animated?"

"In New York."

"An animated New York?"

"No. Real New York. And we'll throw in a scene between the Princess and a Hooker" (EDITOR'S NOTE: Such a scene was actually written in the script, but was not included in the final film.)

"A Hooker?"

"Right. We'll advertise it with images of fairy tales that everyone knows. The goody-goody Disney Fairy Tales."

"You're growing horns as you speak. Are you OK?"

"We'll get every pre-school girl in America begging to see this movie. And then it'll be rated PG."

"Is your face actually bubbling puss right now?"

"Millions of girls will either explode from sheer misery at not being able to see the film, or will be driven insane from the nightmare of seeing horrific images on screens a hundred times the size of their TVs."

"You know, I'm normally right there with you, Boss…"

"We'll rid ourselves of a generation of women! Boys will once again be rulers of the playground!!!"

"There's smoke pouring out of your ears. Should I call someone?"

"Death to Little Girls!!!!!!"

And thus, you created Enchanted.

I hope you're happy with yourselves. Childhood-murdering Bastards.